Natalie Portman
Born: June 9, 1981
Known for: Kick starting her career as an assassin's sidekick, Hollywood credibility.
Jews don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman is soft and smooth. And whether she's illicitly cavorting with the Petulant Lord of the Sith, forming tender relationships with professional assassins, birthing the next generation of white trash in a darkened Wal-Mart or shaving her head and blowing the sh*t out of Parliament, we love her - even though she keeps breaking our hearts one sheygetz at a time. The Jerusalem-born daughter of an Israeli father and an American mother, Natalie's fluent Hebrew and Harvard degree ensure that your mother will love her, and her Hepburn-goes-Semitic looks and perfectly sculpted little tuchus mean that, for once, you'll agree. In our books, that makes this pint-sized bite of sabra number one - and now that she's broken up with perpetually shirtless neo-hippie Devendra Banhart (a Rosh Hashana miracle!), America's most eligible Jewess is once again on the market. Dibs.
